Expectations and Roles for New Parents

Welcome the folks from Parents 2 Parents as this week’s guest bloggers

Tony and Lin are thrilled to bring home their new baby girl, Isabella. The first few days at home are a whirlwind of visitors, diapers and feedings. After several weeks, they feel more settled in with Isabella. However, they discover their very orderly lives have really changed. At times, Lin feels out of sorts because she isn’t able to keep up with her usual chores. Tony works long hours and was not prepared for the extra workload at home. Finally, after much frustration, the couple decides to look at the roles they each play in their new family life together.

Even for parents like Tony and Lin who are ecstatic when the baby is born, there is often a major change of expectations and roles that parents go through after a birth. The issue of changing expectations and roles is a natural one for many new families to face as they adapt to the baby in their lives.

Research shows that many couples don’t talk with each other about what their expectations, roles and life changes will be after the baby is born. Often, there are unspoken assumptions, and the danger is that these assumptions can be very different for each parent. They both may have a different point of view about their own role or their partner’s role. This can lead to a clash of expectations after the baby is born. Many new parents are surprised at how much friction occurs in the first few months after their baby is home.

Experts on couple and family relationships suggest that you ease the impact of a baby’s birth on your family by talking about your expectations and roles before your baby arrives. It’s helpful for both of you to agree on chores like regular household cleaning, cooking, bathing baby…etc.

Let’s take a look at some common barriers that couples may face:

It’s a woman’s job to take care of the baby. It’s hard to shake the idea that child rearing is women’s work. Despite men becoming more involved in childcare and taking care of the home, for most families, it’s the woman who most frequently bears the brunt of the workload. This set-up is fine, if a couple has talked about this and both agree to it. The important thing is that expectations for the responsibility for baby care need to be thoroughly aired before the baby is born.

Moms should automatically be able to do everything right with the baby. Both men and women still tend to expect mothers to be skilled at caring for a baby right from the start. However, a lot of research shows that both moms and dads can lack in experience and confidence with newborns. Often, both parents are equally competent and incompetent with small babies. It’s a modern-day myth that moms know more and feel more competent than dads.

Fathers are not as competent as mothers and can be in the way rather than helpful. Sometimes mothers, grandparents or other relatives can give fathers the feeling that they are not able to take care of the baby “in the right way.” Many fathers who are timid or anxious in the beginning can end up less involved in their role. It’s normal for both mothers and fathers to lack in experience and confidence with newborns. However, it’s important for both moms and dads to learn to be equally at ease with their infant—and for many couples that means that dad needs to learn how to become as competent as mom, “in the right way.”

Criticism and unwanted “advice” from others can create self doubt and frustration. As a new parent-to-be, chances are you will welcome the support of relatives and friends. But, in some cases, there may be people in your life who don’t know when to stop, or they have opinions you just don’t agree with. Too much advice, or advice you can’t accept, can be very frustrating, annoying and even undermining. If this is happening, it’s up to you to decide when someone crosses the line.

It’s helpful for you as new parents to talk about how you want to handle these opinions in advance of your baby’s birth.

Understand that, in most cases, the advice-giver is trying to help. Thank them for their advice, but be firm that it’s your right and responsibility to deal with your pregnancy, as you think best. You could talk to them about your values in gentle matter-of-fact words.

When the advice is something that doesn’t really matter to you, but the person giving it is important in your life or the life of your new child, you can offer to “think about it.” This will help strengthen your relationship with the advice-giver and keep the lines of communication open. Remember, there will be times when you may be glad to have their advice and goodwill.

Most importantly, if the advice is something you can not follow, try not to let the situation get too emotionally heated. Stay calm and gently firm in your response.

Aiming for total equality may be an unrealistic goal. Some parents get stuck on trying to create a perfect 50/50 split in housework and baby care. Today, many men are much more involved with childcare and housework than in prior generations. However, it’s still usually the woman who takes on the majority of the tasks. How the duties are split is very important. If the workload seems out of kilter, when it was supposed to be 50/50, it is important that both of you have the chance to talk about how it appears in reality. Maybe 50/50 is not achievable in your circumstances. Talk it over. You should try hard to come up with a plan that can work for the two of you.

This article is used with permission of The Phoenix Centre for Children and Families. The Phoenix Centre is host to a number of local, national and international programs which share a common goal – to better the lives of children, youth and families across the country.

One of their popular parenting programs is Welcome to Parenting , an online series of prenatal and parenting classes for expectant and new parents with an infant up to 12 months.  The program includes the online classes, ability to post questions to our panel of health and parenting professionals and an online group of parents who are expecting or with babies about the same age.

Hot Sex for the Busy Mama

Welcome this week’s guest blogger nurse-midwife and mentor Stacey Curnow

After the breakout session on sex at the BlogHer conference, the “Owning Pink Posse” and I talked about what we learned: sex is still a taboo subject and we have a lot of work to do before it’s embraced as a fun and easy way to improve health and happiness. You don’t even need a partner to enjoy it! As Woody Allen said in the movie Annie Hall, “Hey, don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.”

Many of the women at BlogHer are moms, and like moms the world over, they have trouble making time for sex. I mean, with the little ones always around, how is it possible? One of my new BlogHer buddies, Tricia Booker, told me the last time she and her husband had sex was when they went to buy furniture in a big city far from their home, which necessitated an overnight stay.

She’s a funny lady and had this to say about the weekend, “I was excited because I got to go to Ikea. My husband was excited because he got to have hotel sex.” They have 3 children, and she lamented that it’s just not possible to have sex more than once in a very blue moon. I get it, my son is a night owl and my husband and I often fall asleep as we’re reading him stories—the days of making love all night are o-v-e-r.

But that doesn’t mean we don’t have sex. It means that we make it a priority—like eating well and getting exercise. Don’t believe it’s that important? Studies show that the benefits of sex are at least tenfold: sex relieves stress, boosts immunity and self-esteem, improves cardiovascular health and intimacy, reduces pain and prostate cancer risk, helps you maintain a healthy weight and sleep better, and strengthens pelvic floor muscles (reducing risk of incontinence).

Okay, so I’ve convinced you that sex is important, but how are you going to fit it into your already-packed schedule and actually feel like getting it on?

Here are My Six Tips for Hot Sex:

1) Make time for sex.

Remember that song Afternoon Delight by the Starland Vocal Band? “Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight, gonna grab some afternoon delight. My motto’s always been; when it’s right, it’s right.” Well that’s my motto, too. My son has a standing play date at a friend’s house on Saturdays and that’s the time when my husband and I get our sky rockets in flight.

2) Figure out what makes you feel hot and ask for it.

I can take off my clothes and my husband is ready to go. But I need what I call fore-foreplay. I want to feel like I’m wanted for more than my body, and I’ve found that when I set aside time before bed to talk with my husband about something I’m working on, or have him read something I’ve written and comment on it, I feel seen, heard and valued. And there’s nothing hotter than that.

When we’re in bed, my husband and I talk about what feels good and what doesn’t. We’ve learned that we don’t want to waste time fumbling around. The fact is, what felt amazing last week may not this week. We both appreciate a lot of direction and, again, nothing’s hotter than asking for what you want and getting it.

3) Use Zestra.

Zestra is a blend of botanical oils and extracts, like borage seed oil, evening primrose oil, and angelica extract. When topically applied Zestra works within minutes by heightening your sensitivity to touch. You apply it to the clitoris and labia, and the effects begin within 3 to 5 minutes and last for up to 45 minutes. You can find it in any CVS store (sometimes with the condoms, other times with “feminine products” like yeast medicine. Don’t ask anyone in the store—they never know—just look in those two places.) You can also get a free sample by clicking here.

4) Experiment with Toys.

Have you seen the episode of Sex and the City when Miranda introduces her friends to “The Rabbit”? The normally prudish Charlotte initially resists but ultimately succumbs to its charms and her friends eventually stage an intervention to get her out of her bed and into society again. Toys really can be fun, but they can also set up unrealistic expectations, too. Use with caution or you too may find yourself in this situation:

(Carrie and Charlotte are stretching together in yoga class)
Carrie: (voiceover) My Zen teacher once told me that there was nothing like yoga to quiet a busy mind. Just as I had reached the moment of no thought…
Charlotte: (whispering) I think I broke my vagina.
Carrie: Oh sorry, am I pulling too hard?
Charlotte: No, metaphorically, I mean. With “the rabbit.”

5) Read Erotica.

I love well-written woman-centric erotica for getting in the mood. Here are some of my favorite titles: Five Minute Erotica (Edited by Carol Queen), Best Women’s Erotica and Sweet Life (both edited by Violet Blue). These are smart, sexy, and fun stories that are guaranteed to jump-start your libido, whether you share them with your lover or keep them your sly little secret.

6) Create a Sex Playlist.

Music is a tried-and-true aphrodisiac. Who hasn’t felt a little groovy after listening to “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye? Some of my other favorites are “PYT” by Michael Jackson, “Home (This Must Be the Place)” by the Talking Heads, and “The Way I Are” by Timbaland.

If you try all of the above and you still don’t feel like hopping in the sack, you may have an issue with arousal that’s caused by any number of issues (chronic stress and hormone imbalance are two that come to mind). Sex is too important to your health and happiness to dismiss, and there are plenty of professionals who can help, from a therapist to a health care provider.

Call in the cavalry if you have to, but you shouldn’t go another day thinking it’s “just sex” and not a big deal. So—what are you waiting for? You’re hot. Go get your sky rockets in flight!

Stacey is a nurse-midwife and a mentor who helps you give birth to your BIG dreams. You can find out more about Stacey here.

Mommy Time!

From the minute you find out that you are pregnant you begin conducting research on how to improve your health. After all, Baby is relying on you.  So you focus on diet, which exercises are best, what spas offer pre-natal relaxation services and on it goes.  During pregnancy most woman get a lot of me time; you become the diva of your family. You put your feet up and have hubby rub them.  More than any time in your life you really take time out for you so that you are in the best possible position (both physically and mentally) to grow a healthy, strong baby.

Then…..you have the baby and all that pampering and rightful self indulgence goes out the window; where are my foot rubs now, you ask! Oh wait, my husband is sleep deprived and off to work…darn.  Sorry ladies, but it’s the truth, your focus dramatically shifts.  I want to prepare you for what to expect and more importantly arm you with tips to help you manage YOUR needs during that first year of motherhood.

Of course the  needs of your newborn baby absolutely come first over anyone else.  HOWEVER, having said that, most new moms completely neglect themselves in lieu of that tiny pink or blue bundle which is ok short term but is not sustainable.  You are about to embark on the hardest job you have ever taken on….yes, even harder than working at that fast food joint when you were 16!  Being a mom of a newborn means that you are constantly tending to the needs of your infant and your needs are put on the back burner.

Remember it is not healthy to have this be the case all of the time. It’s important for new moms to focus a bit of time on themselves too, otherwise you can get burned out and not feel up to experiencing all the joys that come with being a new mom. 

Here’s some tips for you to make sure that you get a little TLC during that first year of motherhood which will make you a happier, healthier mommy:

1)      Build a strong support network.  You WILL NOT be able to do it all.  Something will have to give, whether it’s the cooking, cleaning or sleeping.  There aren’t enough hours in the day for you to conquer all the chores, plus look after a newborn AND take care of your needs.  Make sure you have reliable friends and family that you can call at a moment’s notice when you are feeling overwhelmed or just need a few minutes of shut eye.  Set expectations with them ahead of time so that everyone is on the same page.  They will be happy to help out….trust me!

2)      Schedule at least 30 minutes of downtime per week.  I know that sounds like a contradiction of terms (down time and a new born) but it’s so important.  You want to make sure that you have dedicated mommy time to either take a bubble bath, read a book, get your hair done.  Some activity that will pamper you, even just a little bit.

3)      Make time for girlfriends.  When you have a new baby and are off on maternity leave you probably think that you have all the time in the world to catch up with friends.  Remember that life actually gets pretty crazy during that first 3-6 months after your baby is born. Time will go by fast and all of sudden you look up and your baby is 6 months old.  You need to make sure that you get social time where you talk about anything else other than poo, pee and gurgling.  Don’t worry there is plenty of time to gush over your newborn, but you also need time to talk about world news, local gossip or heck, even what happened on the latest episode of Glee.

I am not trying to scare the mothers-to-be or new moms out there.  I am simply arming you with the reality that during that first year of motherhood you play the role of mommy 24×7 and you may need a break or two along the way.  Hopefully the above tips will make life as a new mom just a little bit easier.

I wish you all the best in your “Rookie Year”!

Monkey See, Monkey Do!

As a brand new parent you are probably wondering to yourself “am I doing this parenting thing right?”, “are other new parents doing things the same way I am?” You are also probably a little unsure of your actions. The piece of advice that I always dish out to new moms on this topic is to trust your gut.  As a new parent your hormones and emotions are heightened and even though there will be some mistakes made here and there, generally your actions are going to be the right ones.

Always remember that your children are a reflection of you! Like a baby animal on the Nature Channel that imitates its parents your new little bundle of joy is also watching your every move. So resist the urge to groom the lice out of your husband’s hair but take some comfort in knowing your little one will eventually come around to what you need and want them to do just by observing you.

This probably won’t happen right from birth considering your child can really only see shadows for the first four weeks….but, research shows that overall babies prefer the sight of human faces over anything else.  Research also shows that babies begin to learn habits early on from their parents.  So, here are some tips to consider when interacting with your children during that early time in their lives:

1) The age old saying “eat your veggies” applies to you too mom. When your baby starts eating solid food she will look to you to determine what to eat and how to eat it. So, if you want your little one to grow up loving peas, make sure not to snub your nose at them either. Show your child how much fun trying new food can be and they will grow up with an open mind and open palate.

2) Get your shut eye. For those parents who co-sleep with your child or let your child sleep in the same room as you, demonstrate to them that its bed time by turning off your light at a decent hour and going to bed. Now of course you’re more than likely to be woken back up by your child within a couple of hours for a feed or diaper change, but at least your little one can witness the act of you falling asleep….over and over and over again all in one night 🙂

3) Curb your enthusiasm. It’s inevitable when your sleep deprived that your patience and emotions will run thin.  However, if there’s a situation where you feel like you’re going to lose your cool, make sure to step out of the room, away from little eyes and ears before you do.

4) Smile and the whole world smiles with you. If you smile and laugh with your little one on a regular basis, they will be more likely to smile on their own. Plus, they say you use more facial muscles to frown than to smile….so, go ahead and give your face muscles a break and crack a grin.

Consistency is the key and repetition is the answer, don’t worry if you don’t get it right all the time as long as you get it right 80% of the time. There’s no need to be walking on eggshells around your child in fear that you will teach them bad habits.  Instead just become more tuned to your outward actions and maybe think twice before wincing at that plate of brussel sprouts or endeavor to stop yourself from cursing the next time you stub your toe as there might be little eyes watching you.

The Testing Never Stops!

I thank my lucky stars every day that I have been blessed with two little Angels. My little daughter and son are more than I could have ever hoped for in life and I am very lucky that they are happy and healthy.

So now that I have thanked the Universe and ensured you all know how humble I am about my children I have to say….”What is up with my 6 year old daughter testing my patience every day?!”. Did I do something wrong in a previous life? Do the gods have a vendetta against my motherhood? I find myself in the unanticipated circumstances of trying to out-think a sweet little girl and I’M LOSING the battle. In fact, without heavy artillery….the dreaded timeout, I would have lost the war already.

Lately my little sweat-pea has been telling a lot of stories. These stories as I loosely term them are really nothing more than precursors to learning how to tell whopper lies and untruths. However, as challenging as this new phase of oral creativity is, I truly believe that this is a phase she is going through and not the beginning of a long sordid career in selling snake oil to unsuspecting townsfolk. It appears that it is a way to push boundaries and test punishments as well as exercise her creative muscle. The stories are for the most part harmless but are beginning to encroach on worrisome. One recent example had our little miss daisy spinning a wondrous yarn of being caught running in the halls, by the principal no less and subsequently being sent to the office with the big kids as punishment. The story slowly fell apart as my bug eyes and stuttering questions slowly drew out a truth that was unavoidable. Once I suspected the proclamation was nothing more than that of fairy tales, a quick threat of calling the Principal to apologize and confirm the story broke the whole yarn. Truth be told, there was no running, there was no being caught by the principal and there certainly was no sitting in his office.

Adults tell lies to avoid difficult conflicts, cover up uncomfortable situations and divert attention from dastardly deeds. My daughter’s lies give her no advantage or benefit. Who lies about being caught for doing something wrong? Good grief…no benefit to that one whatsoever. I think this is a phase of attempting to understand truth and consequences. Ahh curiosity and cognitive development within the brain. I blame these two things for this wondrous chapter of parenthood. What I noticed through the telling and the revealing of this particular lie was a keen interest in what would happen, how she would be punished and the explanation of what lying was. I saw the innocence of learning and not a malicious look or emotion being shown.

So as you encounter strange tales from your little ones that you know are suspect at best, remember the process that is occurring. This is a time to teach what truth is and why lies are not something you want your child to emulate. As you work through the lessons with your wide eyed pupil, don’t forget your own behavior. The excuses we give people and the little fibs we tell daily unfortunately go in one ear and not out the other of our most precious little gems. Instead this minute social interactions might form the fodder of the next big story you get to hear from a creative little mind. So slow down in the halls and make sure you have your pass. I’d hate to have to send you to the Principal’s office for lying!!!!

To Nap or Not to Nap?

Both of my children are great sleepers….now.  They weren’t always that way.  In the first 6 months of their lives both had trouble falling asleep without mommy or daddy in the room with them and they didn’t stay asleep for very long during their daytime naps.

After consulting with the true pro’s….other moms…..I came to the conclusion that my kids were just overtired and therefore, had trouble falling asleep.  I realized that I didn’t have them on a set napping schedule and I just hoped that throughout the day they would eventually get tired enough to nap.  I assumed that when they weren’t napping….and very cranky….it was just that….being cranky.  However, I later learned that young babies sometimes have trouble falling asleep on their own without some coaxing from mommy or without a set routine.

It was at that moment of clarity that I decided to put my kids on a napping schedule and see if that helped their sleep pattern. 

Now, there is a ton of different material available on the varying ways to get your children to sleep….one extreme is to run them ragged until they just pass out from exhaustion.  The other extreme is to put them in their crib and let them cry it out for half an hour until they….well, pass out from exhaustion. 

I am not saying that either way is wrong…..I am just letting you know that I decided to find a happy medium and it worked well for me and my children.

What I did with both of my kids is I designed a set napping schedule that had times that worked both for me and for my little ones.  For instance, having them nap during the Young and the Restless was perfect for me….but, also  around lunch time so not so perfect for my children. 🙂

Once I found a time that was mutually beneficial, I would stick to that schedule like glue.  I would start our nap routine (much like a regular nighttime routine, but shorter) and then put my child in their crib and leave the room.  The first 3-4 days of the new routine my kids would cry so hard I thought maybe their stuffed teddy bear came alive and ate them….but, then I got used to the cry and told myself they are fine, they are safe and they will eventually fall asleep.

I would only leave them crying for 3-4 minutes before I came into the room to console them.  However, I never picked them up; I just rubbed their back until they calmed down.  Then I would leave the room again and wait another 3-4 minutes before going back in. 

Slowly the crying would decrease to the point that I only had to go back into their room once or twice before they fell asleep….and then eventually, because of the learned behavior model (that Psych class in college really paid off) they stopped crying entirely and gave in to nap time when I put them in their crib.

Therefore, find the right routine for you and feel free to play with a number of different methodologies.  However, my one piece of advice for you is a “well rested baby…is a happy baby”!

Good luck!

Parent Dates….Not “Play Dates”

As a mother of two, I have experienced first-hand the effects of sleep deprivation, hormonal mood swings, baby blues and many other exciting motherhood “features”. Throughout these life jarring events, my hubby has stuck to me like glue and helped me wheather the emotional storm that comes with being a new mom. I may have wanted to rip the hair from his head at times or throw the dirty diaper pail at him….but what stressed out mom hasn’t wanted to make their husband feel as terrible as they do…right? Ah the benefit of hindsight. I know now that being a new mom is a tough gig regardless of how much support your significant other provides.

It’s imperative that moms and dads take the time to reconnect with each other outside of dirty diaper management and bottle sanitizing rituals at 3AM that resemble scenes from “Night of the Living Parent”? Is that you honey, or a red-eyed moaning Zombie with a trail of formula behind you? Think back from these events…..back through the haze of newbie parenthood. Not so long ago there was some romance and magic couple time that led to, amongst other things, your babies in the first place. You need to explore that historical time and re-kindle those moments. Don’t go crazy and make another baby while re-connecting….well, not quite yet unless that’s in your plan. But do hire a babysitter, whether its grandma and gramps, auntie or the college student that lives next door. You need ample time to shower, get dressed up (well, at least out of your sweats), leave the house and have some down time with your significant other.

Some experts will say that while on your date don’t talk about the kids….I say….yeah, right! It’s ok and normal so don’t sweat it. Children are the centre of the universe for both you and your spouse and you will bring them up. While talking about your little hatchlings is perfectly predictable, do try to inject some fun and support into the evening. Keep the conversation focused on the positive and be supportive of all the good things you see your spouse doing. Try not to nag…even though you really want to lay down the smack down regarding your Hubble’s use of copious amounts of fabric softener when helping with the laundry. Keep the conversation light and stress free. You will both enjoy the date a lot more!

You don’t even have to make the date a formal evening or go to a fancy restaurant. Some of the best “downtime” is simply finding a nice beach to walk on or a nice stroll in a local park together. Don’t underestimate the healing power of fresh air.

As parents we are too quick to push our needs aside when it comes to our children. But, trust me, date nights should not be one of them! It’s time well spent that will allow you to recharge and remember that you really are husband and wife as well as new parents. You’ll need this foundation of strength to conquer that never empty dirty diaper pail over and over and to chase away sleep in the middle of the night to valiantly respond to your little bird’s cry.

Is there such a thing as a Guiltless Child-Free Vacation?

With two small children ages 5 and 2, any thought of a few days away for business or mini vacation comes with tremendous guilt. One of my top priorities as a Mom of two is to spend as much time as possible with my children and give them the utmost sense of security and stability that I can. Going away seems to counteract these two objectives as a parent. That being said, I strongly believe a few days to yourself once in a while, away from your children is not all bad and can actually promote independence and self-confidence (or so that’s what I tell myself). As devoted parents we also need to have some time to ourselves or with our significant other to decompress, recharge and stay focused on the long-term support of our little ones.

There are a few key strategies I think make a short getaway a good experience for both parents and children.

• First and foremost, the children need to have all the information. They need to know where and why you are going away and they need to have promises kept. The best thing is to tell them where you are going, how long you will be away (usually outlined in “number of sleeps” works well) and when you will be returning.
• If possible, call them daily before bed or in the morning to let them know them everything is alright and that you will be returning soon.
• Ensure that your children are cared for by someone they already have a relationship with and trust. Whether it be relatives, grandparents or a known babysitter or nanny, the kids must know that they are safe while mom is away.

Another nice touch I add when away for a few days, is to leave some surprises for them to open every day to remind them I am thinking of them. Some small tokens that I know they will enjoy are wrapped up and left for them to open each day that I am gone. The dollar store is great place for such items. Low cost but huge emotional value.

Finally, Making sure I deliver on my promises is the most important factor. If I say I am going to call at a certain time, I make sure I do. If I am going to be late or delayed in my return, I reset expectations and communicate the reasons why.

Consistent behavior and follow thru will make sure that every time you do need or want to get away for a few days, your children will know and trust that things will be ok and you will be returning when you say. That being said, every weekend is not a good idea for an adults only road trip, but even once or a few times a year will be beneficial for everyone…..especially mom and dad.

Can Santa Give Too Much?

On Christmas morning I sat there with my coffee in hand staring at the mounding pile of gifts under the Christmas tree and thought to myself…..”do a 5 year old and a 2 year old REALLY need all of this stuff?”. Don’t get me wrong, it was super fun to buy all of the goodies for my two little ones. But, am I setting a wrong precedent with my children right out of the gate that at Christmas time they can expect to receive everything and anything they ever wanted?

I know as parents we want to give our children all that we didn’t get as kids. However, with all of the waste and with the recession going on right now, is that the “right” thing to do? What really made me think about this was when my 5 year old asked me if Santa was going to bring her a laptop and iPod…..seriously? I asked her what she was planning to do with the laptop if she got one and she responded by saying she was going to surf http://www.webkins.com as she was sure that Santa was going to bring her a new Webkins as well. Gosh, when does it end?

I spoke to my friend and fellow mom about my guilty feelings and she felt the same way. She has a 9 year old and a 7 year old. However, she decided to take action this year. She told her kids that they could choose one present from Santa (with a dollar limit I might add) and she set expectations early in the month that mommy and daddy would be buying them two additional presents each and that was it. When I spoke to her after Christmas, to find out how it went, she said that her kids were a tiny bit disappointed at the decreased amount of presents….but, by noon they were over it and quite happy with what they did receive.

Now that my friend essentially did the preverbal “rip off of the band aid” this year with decreasing the present amount, she is good to go with setting reasonable expectations for the Christmas’s ahead.

What I learned through all of this is that it’s inherent in our kids to want ALL that they can have; however, it is our jobs as parents to teach them restraint and to set reasonable expectations on what they will receive BEFORE Christmas morning to avoid any disappointment on the big day.

Ok, parents….we have 361 days to accomplish our task. Good luck!

Pick Your Battles

As I am trying to get my 5 year old daughter ready for kindergarten (along with juggling 10 other tasks at the same time) I decided to give my daughter the ability to decide which outfit she was going to wear. Much to my surprise and dismay, my daughter walked out of her bedroom in a dark brown polka-dot shirt, a bright pink and green floral skirt, striped leggings and a bright blue headband. At first I was speechless until my daughter broke the silence and asked me “so, do you like my outfit mommy?”. She was so happy and proud of herself for picking an outfit on her own and she honestly thought the outfit was beautiful.

One part of me wanted to march her back into her bedroom and change her outfit to something that didn’t look like it belonged in an alien fashion show…..but then I stopped, took a long breath and responded to my daughter “I think your outfit is perfect sweetie”.

What I learned that day was to really pick my battles. Sure, I could have freaked out and told my daughter to change her outfit immediately otherwise she was not attending kindergarten that day. But, acting that way would have only embarrassed her and potentially created feelings of insecurity. Instead, I put up with the other parents odd stares when I dropped her off at kindergarten and I did chuckle a bit alongside some close friends who understood what I was going through. All the while my daughter went through her day so proud of the decisions she had made on her outfit.

The moral of the story is that as a parent it’s so easy to nag, nag, and nag at our children. In fact it could be never ending if we let it. “Clean up your room”, “brush your teeth”, “turn off the TV”, etc. Therefore, as parents we battle the dilemma “where do we draw the line in the sand?” and “what battles do we fight”? I read a great article in the November edition of Today’s Parent Magazine that talked about which battles to fight and which ones to leave.

Children need to be taught boundaries and need direction….that’s how they learn. So, the rule of thumb for fighting battles is this:

• If your child is in danger (i.e. running out onto the road) then you should fight that battle.
• If your child is talking back or being disrespectful then you fight the battle.
• If your child is demanding unreasonable or expensive items then you fight that battle. Children need to understand the value of money.
• If your child refuses to clean up a very dirty mess then you fight that battle. It’s important for children to learn how to clean up after themselves.

On the other hand, children also need autonomy to learn on their own and gain confidence in their decisions. So, the rule of thumb for NOT fighting battles is this:

• Your child starts a food fight with siblings….or even you – not worth the battle. Children learn through food and sometimes having a good old fashioned food fight is ok.
• If your child has an untidy room – not worth the battle . It could be an everyday, all day battle. In this case teach your child that as long as they don’t have a “dirty” room, a little mess is ok.
• Crazy clothes clash – not worth the battle. They learn creativity and self esteem this way. Your child may look a little odd, but it won’t happen every day.
• Bedtime Battles – not worth the battle. Chances are your child simply isn’t tired. Have them read quietly in their room instead of watching TV and chances are they will eventually fall asleep.