Click for Babies

No rookie mom-to-be needs to be told that babies cry. It’s perfectly normal for newborns to dedicate two hours a day to crying and those are the ones I’d class in the ‘happy baby’ category. If you’re a mom who has been ‘blessed’ with a colicky baby you’ll know all too well that 2 hours of crying means a good day.

As a childless couple it seemed we were plagued by crying babies in restaurants, in neighboring hotel rooms, on planes. But looking back these were minor annoyances compared to having a baby crying, crying, CRYING that you can’t escape from. You can’t move tables, move rooms, move seats: he’s yours! Isn’t it up to you to stop him crying? Isn’t it in the job description – didn’t you read the fine print? He’s not going to disturb your meal, night’s sleep or journey occasionally; he’ll do it continually for at least 3 months. And boy, that is wearing.

I was prepared for my babies to cry, but I certainly wasn’t prepared for Bowser. He would scream blue murder if left unattended as if he was starving, excessively tired or in serious pain. Yet we’d pick him up and instantly he was happy. Well, maybe not exactly happy, but at least he’d stop screaming. The crying would go right through you. Hubby would take him down to lowest level of parking garage to give us and the neighbours some peace. He shudders at the memory, massages the leftover ball of anxiety in his chest and jokes it has damaged something deep in his nervous system.

“Miserable Toad”, “Ratbag” and other less printable monikers were being used to describe Bowser’s crabbiness until I heard the term “high-needs”. All babies are needy, but the high-needs baby can’t lie or sit unattended without getting distressed. Although the crying sounds serious it’s temperament related rather than pain related. I’ve since heard that babywearing might have helped him/us get through those first hideous six months, although I doubt my back would have coped.

As hideous as it was then, I honestly can’t recall it clearly now. Those first six months are a blur in my memory. Erased maybe? What I do remember is how at seven months he underwent a much welcome personality change. It coincided with him beginning to sit and crawl so for him it seems the first six months of crying were related to frustration and boredom.

So no matter how bad things are, the important thing to remember is: it won’t be forever.

If I’m perfectly honest, although Pickle was a relatively ‘happy’ baby the first three months with her weren’t really much fun either. Newborns aren’t much fun. End of. And sometimes we as parents feel like losing it too. Goodness, that crying grates, especially when you’re running on empty through sleep deprivation. There were times I wanted to throw my own tantrum. I wanted to throw my own baby. On the floor. Off the bed. Across the room. Out of the window. I felt like shaking him to find out Why, Why, Why are you still crying?

The only thing to do when you find yourself having a mommy melt-down is to walk away and take five. My mum’s doctor advised her to park colicky me at the end of the garden as I was frazzling her nerves and she was suffering from PPD. If you’ve reached the end of your tether leave the baby safe and walk away. Take some deep breaths. Relax. Shut yourself in another room.

Call for Knitters! Click your needles together and join the The National Center on Shaken Baby Syndrome to raise awareness about the so called Period of Purple Crying common to most newborns – bringing home the message that we must never shake or hurt an infant.

The letters in the word PURPLE describe the properties of normal infant crying that are frustrating:

P for Peak of Crying — Your Baby may cry more each week, the most at 2 months then less at 3-5 months;
U for Unexpected — Crying can come and go and you don’t know why;
R for Resists Soothing — Your baby may not stop crying no matter what you do;
P for Pain-like Face — A crying baby may look like they are in pain, even when they are not;
L for Long Lasting — Crying can last as much as 5 hours a day, or more;
E for Evening — Your baby may cry more in the late afternoon and evening.

Click for Babies is a North American campaign with sites in BC, Ontario, Utah, Kansas, Iowa and more. Right now knitters and crocheters across North America are making purple caps to be distributed to newborns during November along with information on this difficult crying phase.

The aim is to have a hat for every baby born in November at participating hospitals. By knitting and sending PURPLE newborn baby caps to be given to babies across North America, you will make a difference by:

• Raising awareness for this life-saving project – Period of PURPLE Crying – Prevent Shaken Baby Syndrome
• Participating in a growing, grassroots effort to educate new parents about the normalcy of early infant crying and how to cope with the frustration that can accompany it.

Visit the Click for Babies website to find participating hospitals, hat patterns, photos and buttons, and learn more about The Period of Purple Crying.

What’s in a Cry?

“Why is she crying?” Probably the most common and frequently asked question by new parents of their newborn baby? When you first get pregnant you imagine holding your new little bundle of joy in your arms and cuddling them until the wee hours of the night. Never do you imagine trying to rock, hug, and console a frantically crying baby all the while having no idea what made them so upset in the first place.
Good news for you new parents out there…..there is a method to the madness. Non continuous but somewhat frequent crying is usually very normal and can actually be a “good thing”. How can that be? Crying is your baby’s primary form of communication. Crying can trigger a rush of emotions within parents and instigate an uncontrollable urge to comfort. When you respond quickly, consistently and lovingly as a parent you are setting the foundation for secure and healthy development. Sustained crying (hours) without relief, can be a sign of colic and you should review anything you think is abnormal with your health practitioner.

One tip on how to sooth a crying baby is to follow her cues. “But she’s only 4 weeks old….what cues does she know?” Great question…..even the smallest of babies will provide their parents with cues on what is making them cry. For instance….if a baby is crying while crunching up their legs to their tummy then most likely they have gas pains. You can then look at whether they are being burped properly or need an adjustment to how they are feeding. If a baby is crying while trying to suck vigorously on a soother they are probably hungry. If the baby is crying while rubbing their eyes they are probably tired. This sounds straight forward and it usually is. First time parents however are so flustered with all the smells, sights and sounds of a new baby that they sometimes miss the critical cues. It’s the little actions that tell parents exactly what’s wrong with their little one.

My embarrassing story may make you feel better about your new experience, it all started when my daughter, who was 2 months old at the time, was crying uncontrollably. Both my husband and I were very sleep deprived and could barely string a sentence together let alone try to look for clues. The crying seemed endless and we felt like we had tried all the soothing techniques that we knew how to do. Finally we were convinced that she was in extreme pain for some obscure internal injury that she got from laying motionless in her crib 🙂  and got her bundled in the car to go to Emergency. We didn’t get more than 5 minutes down the road when the crying stopped and our daughter had fallen into a peaceful sleep. She was so overtired that she was inconsolable and we were too panic stricken to notice. Anyway, my husband and I wound up going through the Starbucks drive-thru and took a long drive around town to give our daughter the sleep she needed.

Nothing is more upsetting than an inconsolable baby! It’s normal to feel frustrated, resentful or guilty. Heck, you may even end up crying yourself. But, try to take a step back, watch for cues and try to solve the mystery of the crying baby. If all else fails, just try to make it through the three month mark and the crying will dramatically decrease :-)!

Forget selling your soul for rock n’ roll, how bout for a nap?

Both of my children are great sleepers….now.  They weren’t always that way. The first 6 months of sleep patterns were what I would characterize as “somewhat challenging”, in the same way that walking a tightrope in winter, naked….is “somewhat challenging”.  Picture laying on your child’s floor pretending to sleep and then trying to silently crawl out of the room all the while waiting for that inevitable…waaaa..waaaa….which says “I see you trying to leave, bad parent, back to the carpet”.  Yes, it is true for the first few months of their lives both my children had trouble falling asleep without mommy or daddy in the room with them and they didn’t stay asleep for very long during their daytime naps either.

After consulting with my posse of other moms…..I came to the conclusion that part of my issues stemmed from my kids simply being overtired.  Structure can sometimes be a very good thing. While not for everyone, it made all the difference in the world for both my children’s sleep patterns and gave me some much deserved rest. I realized that I didn’t have them on a set napping schedule and was being very casual about their schedule and relying on their moods and energy level throughout the day to determine when they were tired enough to nap.  I assumed that when they weren’t napping….and very cranky….it was just that….being cranky.  However, I later learned that young babies sometimes have trouble falling asleep on their own without some coaxing from mommy or without a set routine. It was at that moment of clarity that I decided to put my kids on a napping schedule and see if that helped their sleep pattern. 

There are a lot of methods to setting up a consistent nap schedule but all involve some level of heart strings being pulled and the hardest part is always the first few days.  Some methods propose putting your child in their crib and letting them cry it out for half an hour until they….well, pass out from exhaustion.  This is very hard on the parents and sometimes a middle ground technique is easier to handle.

I am not saying that a particular method is wrong…..but rather that I decided to find a happy medium which worked well for me and my children. I designed a set napping schedule that had times that worked both for me and for my little ones.  Whatever times you choose, the key is to stick to your schedule like glue.  I would start our nap routine (much like a regular nighttime routine, but shorter) and then put my child in their crib and leave the room.  The first 3-4 days of the new routine my kids would cry so hard I thought maybe their stuffed teddy bear had come alive and eaten them. While this phase was hard, I constantly reminded myself that they were fine, safe and they would eventually fall asleep.

My method was extremely conservative in that I would only leave them crying for 3-4 minutes maximum before I came into the room to console them.  While soothing them though, I never picked them up as I usually do, instead I just rubbed their back until they calmed down.  Then I would leave the room again and wait another 3-4 minutes before going back in. 

Slowly the crying would decrease to the point that I only had to go back into their room once or twice before they fell asleep and then eventually they stopped crying entirely and gave in to the nap time entirely.

Do your research, pick your strategy and then stay consistent. Remember that the first few days are the toughest but that the challenge will pass. You’ll soon be off the tightrope and enjoying some peaceful nap time for you and your baby.

Good luck!

A Balance Between Work and Family….Can it Be?

So, if you are reading this post wondering if there is a silver bullet for taking away “Mother’s Guilt” then I have just the thing for you…..I know a great plastic surgeon….become a man……Kidding!

No, really, Mother’s Guilt is a fact of life….especially for working mothers.  However, just a tidbit statistic….in Canada the number of dual income households with children in the home has increased from 45% in 1980 to 68% in 2009.   So,  if you are a working mother in Canada….you definitely are not alone out there.

In fact you are in stupendous, fantastic, wonderful company….me….I’m one of the 68% of working mothers out there and  I have canvassed my network of colleagues to bring to you some advice on how to make your and your family’s life easier. 

Some think being a captain of industry is a tough job….trying juggling profit and loss statements with juice boxes and after school sports…now that is an accomplishment! While I certainly don’t profess to have all the answers, I do consider myself somewhat of an expert, after being in the workforce for the past 7 years while having two children I have learned a thing or two on how to get through the days successfully 🙂

1)      CEO’s of large corporations need good support staff….so do mothers.  Arm yourself with a good support structure whether it be family, friends or hired help….you cannot do it alone.  Trust me, I thought that I could work from home with a 2 year old in the house and just put the conference call on “mute” from time to time.  Let’s just say that didn’t work out well…..  So, I hired a nanny whom I could trust and who would give me some added time to focus on my business and my children. Whether it is hired part time help or asking a family member to lend a hand….don’t be shy! It’s ok to ask for help.

2)      Strike a balance…..that means that you CAN have everything…….but just not all once.  You have to prioritize your immediate needs whether it be a deadline at work or a school play.  It’s ok to put more focus on work for a short period of time and then shift that focus to family once work has died off and vice versa.  Over the long term you will be balancing both work and family wonderfully.  Mothers often think that if they don’t create a 50/50 balance on a daily basis they are failing….but, that’s not so!

3)      Really get to know your child’s cues.  Trust me, every day will be a struggle with them wanting mommy and putting up a fight every time you walk out the door.  It’s heartbreaking to leave a child that is screaming for you.  But, know two things….one is that the minute you walk out the door your little one most likely stops screaming and happily continues on with her day.  And two, that your child will begin to understand that mommy, is “coming back”.  Empathy is the key, when I say get to know your child’s cues, it means understanding when your child really needs  you to put work on the backburner and spend some quality time with them.  It sounds simple to know the real cry from the fake cry….but when guilt and emotions get involved that clear line becomes a bit blurry.

4)      Set expectations with your family and your work.  Surprises are the hardest hurdle to overcome.  Explain and communicate to both parties what you are doing and why.  For instance, if you have to pick up your child from daycare NO LATER than 4pm then set that expectation with your work so that when you walk out the door at 3:45pm you don’t get the “stink eye” from your boss.  On the other hand if you have a big deadline at work and have to work late to complete everything, communicate that to your caregiver so that you don’t get the “stink eye” from them either.

One tip that a wise friend once gave me was that Mother’s Guilt comes from within the mom, not from the children.  Of course your children want you and only you and always will when they are young.  However, it’s how you deal with it as a mom and how you rationalize your decision to go into the workforce instead of staying home.  Every decision is based on your needs.  Whether that is an emotional need to get out of the house and work or a financial need to help pay the bills. Once you have made that decision to be a working mother, embrace it.  Trust your gut.  The more confident you are in your decision to work the more confident everyone else around you will be too…..including your child!

Introducing Your Child to a New Pet

As I sit here with a brand new kitten on my knee purring away as I type, I’ll share my thoughts about the experience of introducing a new pet into a house full of children.

Bringing home a new fluff ball can be almost as exciting as a new baby. Dog, cat, bunny or ferret, these little critters will charm the pants off you and your loved ones.  Imagine delight, happiness, excitement and maybe a few tears of joy from your children.  However, what you don’t imagine is sneezing, sniffles, baby blankets ripped to shreds, favorite stuffed animals being chewed on, and of course your favorite armchair torn apart.  No, none of that enters your mind UNTIL…..well….it actually happens!

Don’t get me wrong, the challenges are definitely worth the joy. What’s the harm in a little pee on the floor to greet your morning coffee and sleepy eyes anyways?  Toilet training aside, at the end of the day, the pet becomes part of the family. There is always a transition period that comes with introducing a new family member.  Here are my small pieces of wisdom that I have been able to glean over the past few weeks……

1)      Take a trip to the pet store before you decide which animal to adopt.  You will want to make sure that your child is not scared of the animal and holding it is a sure-fire way to find out.  What maybe looks cute in a book or magazine is MUCH different in real life.  Also, you will be able to determine if your little one has any allergies to the animal once they have held it for a while.  Nothing would be worse than adopting a pet, introducing it to your home and realizing that you or your child is allergic.

2)      Make sure you run through the rules of the pet before you adopt it.  Make sure that your child (if old enough) understands the commitment that comes with being a pet owner.  If you aren’t sure that your child is ready maybe even practice the rules with a stuffed animal.  Sounds hokey I know, but if after a day your child doesn’t even want to walk the “fake dog” guess what will happen with the real dog once you get it.

3)      Really evaluate your lifestyle and determine if there is room for a new pet right now.  Determine if your children are age appropriate to handle a new pet or will they be so caught up in this new furry little creature that they will just squish it while they are petting it or hide it in a shoe box with their transformer figurine.  Having a new pet is fun for the first couple of weeks, but once the novelty wears off you should determine if your little one will still have the mindset and patience to play with this new pet or will it become yesterdays news like that last ZuZu pet that your child had.

4)      Once you get your new pet, keep it locked in one room of your house for the first week.  Then only allow supervised and short visits from your children.  This will help the pet to become accustomed to your house and its surroundings without being overwhelmed by kids wanting to tug on it and dress it up in Barbie clothes.  If your child is old enough for play dates make sure that the focus of the play date isn’t on the new pet.  A bunch of children fighting over who gets to hold “sparkles” next isn’t fun for anyone.

5)      During that first week there is a lot of emotions running wild for your children and your pet.  Therefore, clear your calendar for that first week or two so that you can deal with any “late nights” that might arise from your children not sleeping due to being so excited or if your new pet decides to howl all night long because they want to be played with.  You will either need to find a way to catch some extra zzzzzz’s or stock up on Starbucks coffee!

Getting a pet is such a fun experience and can be such a wonderful memory for a family.  Just make sure that you have properly prepared for the new arrival and that everyone is aware of the rules and process around having a new pet. Keep that newspaper ready just in case you need to catch those first few accidents.

But most importantly, have fun!  Happy Pet Hunting!!!!!!

Breaking News: Babies Cry

No rookie mom-to-be needs to be told that babies cry. It’s perfectly normal for newborns to dedicate two hours a day to crying and those are the ones I’d class in the ‘happy baby’ category. If you’re a mom who has been ‘blessed’ with a colicky baby you’ll know all too well that 2 hours of crying means a good day.

As a childless couple it seemed we were plagued by crying babies in restaurants, in neighboring hotel rooms, on planes. But looking back these were minor annoyances compared to having a baby crying, crying, CRYING that you can’t escape from. You can’t move tables, move rooms, move seats: he’s yours! Isn’t it up to you to stop him crying? Isn’t it in the job description – didn’t you read the fine print? He’s not going to disturb your meal, night’s sleep or journey occasionally; he’ll do it continually for at least 3 months. And boy, that is wearing.

I was prepared for my babies to cry, but I certainly wasn’t prepared for Bowser. He would scream blue murder if left unattended as if he was starving, excessively tired or in serious pain. Yet we’d pick him up and instantly he was happy. Well, maybe not exactly happy, but at least he’d stop screaming. The crying would go right through you. Hubby would take him down to lowest level of parking garage to give us and the neighbours some peace. He shudders at the memory, massages the leftover ball of anxiety in his chest and jokes it has damaged something deep in his nervous system.

“Miserable Toad”, “Ratbag” and other less printable monikers were being used to describe Bowser’s crabbiness until I heard the term “high-needs”. All babies are needy, but the high-needs baby can’t lie or sit unattended without getting distressed. Although the crying sounds serious it’s temperament related rather than pain related. I’ve since heard that babywearing might have helped him/us get through those first hideous six months, although I doubt my back would have coped.

As hideous as it was then, I honestly can’t recall it clearly now. Those first six months are a blur in my memory. Erased maybe? What I do remember is how at seven months he underwent a much welcome personality change. It coincided with him beginning to sit and crawl so for him it seems the first six months of crying were related to frustration and boredom.

So no matter how bad things are, the important thing to remember is: it won’t be forever.

If I’m perfectly honest, although Pickle was a relatively ‘happy’ baby the first three months with her weren’t really much fun either. Newborns aren’t much fun. End of. And sometimes we as parents feel like losing it too. Goodness, that crying grates, especially when you’re running on empty through sleep deprivation. There were times I wanted to throw my own tantrum. I wanted to throw my own baby. On the floor. Off the bed. Across the room. Out of the window. I felt like shaking him to find out Why, Why, Why are you still crying?

The only thing to do when you find yourself having a mommy melt-down is to walk away and take five. My mum’s doctor advised her to park colicky me at the end of the garden as I was frazzling her nerves and she was suffering from PPD. If you’ve reached the end of your tether leave the baby safe and walk away. Take some deep breaths. Relax. Shut yourself in another room.

An important campaign has been launched to raise awareness about the so called Period of Purple Crying common to most newborns – bringing home the message that we must never shake or hurt an infant.

The letters in the word PURPLE describe the properties of normal infant crying that are frustrating:

P for Peak of Crying — Crying peaks at around 2 months, then decreases at around 3 to 5 months;
U for Unexpected — Crying comes and goes unexpectedly, for no apparent reason;
R for Resists Soothing — Crying continues despite all soothing efforts by caregivers;
P for Pain-like Face — Infants look like they are in pain, even when they are not;
L for Long Lasting — Crying can last as much as 5 hours a day, or more;
E for Evening — Crying occurs more in the late afternoon and evening.

Supporters of the BC Purple Crying campaign are knitting or crocheting purple caps which will be given to rookie parents in BC the week of November 15. You can join the knitting movement on facebook.

Six Months of this? Sheesh!

Sleep Issue #54

5 ½ years and 2 kids in, I assumed that I was nearing graduation from rookie mom status to seasoned mom. But the events of the last week have proved me wrong – it’s back to basic training for this mom. Sleep issue #54 hit our house last week (and I sincerely hope by the time this post goes live it will no longer be an issue) and I’m back to floundering, leaving me wondering: will ever progress beyond the rank of rookie?

For a week now Bowser has been waking every 1 ½ – 2 hours screaming at the top of his lungs. This is easily the worst sleep problem we’ve encountered with either of the kids since we passed the first hellish 3 months where you get so little sleep you can barely distinguish night from day. But you expect these problems with infants while sleep routines are established. Over the last 2 years we’ve waded through the various sleep cycles with our baby and toddler and we’d reached a point where he was more or less settled and sleeping well 9pm – 7am. We started to glimpse a light at the end of the tunnel; a glimmer of hope that one day (albeit still in the dim and distant future) we might again be able to enjoy a Saturday morning lie in.

I can clearly see where this latest joyous development has come from – we’ve had a lot of upheaval in the last couple of weeks. First, he (closely followed by the rest of the family) had stomach flu. Thankfully all were recovered in time to spend the ½ term holiday at my parents’ house where he slept in a fairly small travel cot which made him look huge and gave him terrible bed-head. At the end of that week my hub and I were lucky enough to snatch 2 days (and nights!) away ALONE, leaving the kids with the grandparents. To round off the week he came down with yet another nondescript virus leaving him clingy, whiney and miserable and wanting mummy all the time. Yet through all this alteration to his usual routine, environment and wellbeing he actually slept quite well. Strangely the fun started once we were back home and he was reestablished in his roomy crib.

As he’d been unwell (and taking into consideration my overly-anxious parenting) I was at his bedside like a shot every time he launched into his screeching. It’s been highly frustrating and disturbing as he won’t talk; won’t tell us what’s wrong, if he wants anything or if there’s anything hurting – we thought it might be his teeth; his ears. He just stares at us blankly and when I cuddle him he makes a satisfied sigh. We’ve now come to the conclusion that there is nothing specific wrong because the crying stops abruptly when one of us enters the room. For whatever reason he’s got his sleep cycle in a tizzy he wants mommy every time he wakes – separation anxiety maybe?

Going to him and picking him up for a cuddle isn’t helping – he just cries all the more when he’s put back in bed and I’m not getting suckered into taking him into our bed. Left to it the crying eventually peters out to a very fake sounding cry, but continues for far too long. So at hub’s insistence we are not going to him any more. He’s going to have to cry it out. Obviously with my Super-Mommy Hearing I can’t sleep through it and my heart jumps into my mouth every time I’m rudely awakened by his heartbreaking wails. I’m also distressed that he’s losing so much sleep while he’s awake and crying. But I’ve got to tough it out.

Sometimes motherhood is just too hard…. Wish me luck.

The Super Mommy Hearing Survey

I’ve written on this subject before, but after suffering through the last couple of weeks of sleep deprivation, I feel I must investigate the topic of Super Mommy Hearing further.

My toddler has a cough. I know, it’s December – practically everyone has a cough. The poor little mite wakes periodically in the night hacking away. The first cough wakes me and I lie there on pins listening for the next one; timing them like contractions; each hack like a small knife in my chest. When it’s clear it’s not going to abate I go in to him, sit him up, give him a drink of water and pat his back, willing the cough to go away. After fifteen minutes or so I creep back to bed where my husband is asleep, snoring, oblivious. Huh? The night before the poor little lad had coughed so much he’d worked up to the cough-vomit, so my Spidey Senses were on full alert. Apparently not so for my husband. So I’m up and down 3-4 times a night on nursing duty. Sure, I could wake hub to take a turn at the comforting but it seems pointless since I would still lie awake monitoring the situation from my bed. There is no way on earth I could tune out, snuggle in and go straight back to sleep.

By night #5 I was going screwy from lack of sleep – my anxieties multiplied and magnified. For the sake of my sanity I needed a night off. Shut away in the spare bedroom with earplugs I swapped my super powers for my husband’s muffled senses and he – with bedroom doors wide open and knowing he was on call – had a taste of being mommy. Even so, I knew after a comforting session he’d return to bed and be asleep again within minutes, whereas after my turn I’m then on full alert and unable to relax enough to sleep again for hours.

If I had a more generous, kind-hearted nature I would be thankful that we weren’t both being disturbed, but I admit, I’m selfish and the fact that it’s always me losing sleep infuriates me. But it also intrigues me: Why is it possible for him yet impossible for me to sleep through the noise and distress? It could be that me and my husband are simply at different ends of the sleep spectrum. It could be that I’m a freak of nature. But I strongly suspect it’s a mommy thing – we’re tuned into that kid distress frequency and can’t tune out. Is it the same for all families? Are there dads out there as alert to their kids’ needs as the moms? Are there dads that wake before the moms? Are there any moms who didn’t get blessed with Super Mommy Hearing during childbirth? I’d honestly like to know. Do tell.

Pick Your Battles

As I am trying to get my 5 year old daughter ready for kindergarten (along with juggling 10 other tasks at the same time) I decided to give my daughter the ability to decide which outfit she was going to wear. Much to my surprise and dismay, my daughter walked out of her bedroom in a dark brown polka-dot shirt, a bright pink and green floral skirt, striped leggings and a bright blue headband. At first I was speechless until my daughter broke the silence and asked me “so, do you like my outfit mommy?”. She was so happy and proud of herself for picking an outfit on her own and she honestly thought the outfit was beautiful.

One part of me wanted to march her back into her bedroom and change her outfit to something that didn’t look like it belonged in an alien fashion show…..but then I stopped, took a long breath and responded to my daughter “I think your outfit is perfect sweetie”.

What I learned that day was to really pick my battles. Sure, I could have freaked out and told my daughter to change her outfit immediately otherwise she was not attending kindergarten that day. But, acting that way would have only embarrassed her and potentially created feelings of insecurity. Instead, I put up with the other parents odd stares when I dropped her off at kindergarten and I did chuckle a bit alongside some close friends who understood what I was going through. All the while my daughter went through her day so proud of the decisions she had made on her outfit.

The moral of the story is that as a parent it’s so easy to nag, nag, and nag at our children. In fact it could be never ending if we let it. “Clean up your room”, “brush your teeth”, “turn off the TV”, etc. Therefore, as parents we battle the dilemma “where do we draw the line in the sand?” and “what battles do we fight”? I read a great article in the November edition of Today’s Parent Magazine that talked about which battles to fight and which ones to leave.

Children need to be taught boundaries and need direction….that’s how they learn. So, the rule of thumb for fighting battles is this:

• If your child is in danger (i.e. running out onto the road) then you should fight that battle.
• If your child is talking back or being disrespectful then you fight the battle.
• If your child is demanding unreasonable or expensive items then you fight that battle. Children need to understand the value of money.
• If your child refuses to clean up a very dirty mess then you fight that battle. It’s important for children to learn how to clean up after themselves.

On the other hand, children also need autonomy to learn on their own and gain confidence in their decisions. So, the rule of thumb for NOT fighting battles is this:

• Your child starts a food fight with siblings….or even you – not worth the battle. Children learn through food and sometimes having a good old fashioned food fight is ok.
• If your child has an untidy room – not worth the battle . It could be an everyday, all day battle. In this case teach your child that as long as they don’t have a “dirty” room, a little mess is ok.
• Crazy clothes clash – not worth the battle. They learn creativity and self esteem this way. Your child may look a little odd, but it won’t happen every day.
• Bedtime Battles – not worth the battle. Chances are your child simply isn’t tired. Have them read quietly in their room instead of watching TV and chances are they will eventually fall asleep.

Bedtime Woes

Early on I knew that being a parent of two small children would have it’s challenging times to contrast the love and wonder that accompanies this cherished role. What I didn’t know was that one of those challenging phases would include my 4 year old daughter turning into an incoherent, mumbling and terrified zombie-like creature. Hello night terrors and goodbye parental innocence.

The night terror is an odd thing in life that resembles nothing I had ever heard of. Not a nightmare and not a dream but rather an unconscious state while awake! Here is one definition that I agree with from Wikipedia.org “Night terrors are distinct from nightmares in several key ways. First, the subject is not fully asleep when the night terror occurs. Unlike nightmares, which are frequently dreams of a frightening nature, night terrors are not recalled dreams. Usually there is no situation or event (scary or otherwise) that is dreamed, but rather the emotion of fear itself is felt.”

This definition generically describes what I have recently gone through with my daughter. I am writing this article to help other parents understand what they are faced with if you find yourself and child in a similar situation.

1) Your child is fine. The night terror should actually be called the “Parent Terror”. My daughter remembers absolutely nothing, nada, ziltch. She can wake up immediately after the night terror and still remembers nothing at all. The next day same thing, remembers absolutely nothing. In fact you can scare your child by telling them about the night terror or asking too many questions because they simply do not recall it. So rest assured your little one is fine and dandy.

2) You need to relax and go with it. The Parent Terror is real for you! Give yourself a break and don’t sweat it. Your child can say and do things that cause you great distress but it is normal. It is absolutely normal. My daughter would call for me, saying “I want my mommy, I’m scared” and she was looking right at me with wide terrified eyes. Again this is normal so do not fret.

Remember that you as a parent have not caused this nor is there something physically wrong with you child. The standard vanilla night terror can be brought on by many things; lack of sleep, over stimulation, a recent cold or flu or just plain growing. 15% of children age 2-6 experience these sleep issues.

I am lucky, my Daughter’s night terrors only lasted about 2 weeks and then went away on their own. She followed a classic pattern……

1) About an hour after going to sleep we would hear her calling out.

2) She would be sitting up in bed eyes wide open appearing terrified.

3) Consoling her would not help at first and all we did was use soothing words throughout the episode. She would say she was scared, make biting gestures, flail around in bed a bit and say no, no, no to nobody in particular. No recognition of me, my wife, her room etc. Just plain terror.

4) After 5 – 15 minutes she would settle and go back to sleep

5) She sometimes would then wake up fully and need to go to the bathroom or want a drink. She would have no recollection of what had just happened

6) Next day same thing, no recollection. Just a happy little girl.

If you are in the lucky 15% like me, take heart, there are lots of us out here and we are dealing it up just fine! It won’t last forever.

Guest blog provided by Rookie Dad Terry